Metal As Fukk Ways to Get Fired

It’s not that the volatile economy is forcing us to downsize. We just fukkin’ hate you.

Drop The F-Bomb In Your First Live Newscast In North Dakota.
Which later becomes your application footage for a weatherman gig in NYC.

Use The Office Copy Machine To Make Flyers For Your Band’s Upcoming Gig Opening For GOATWHORE.
Ummm…we’re out on toner. Next time could you just do black pentagrams on a white background instead of white pentagrams on a black background?

Leak Top Secret Information That The Federal Government Is Tracking Its Own Citizens’ Cell Phone Records.
Alright Eddy, time to rawdawg Amanda Bynes and start a boy band with Julian Assange before a Navy Seal puts a bullet in your head while you sleep.

Be Way Too Sexy To Teach High School English.
Diamond Dave is fukkin’ Nostradamus in leather pants

Have Sex In Uniform With A Perp On Top Of Your Squad Car On The Clock.
Bet she’ll never steal another pack of Juicy Fruit from CVS. I would’ve taken of my utility belt. But I’m a gentleman.

Have Sex With A Corpse On The Clock.
C’mon, whoever put Nana in that floral- print house-dress with that lacey-lace collar shoulda seen that shit comin’. Errr, cumin’.

Guzzle Frosty Straight From The Machine.
Unless you’re Stoney Brown with a fukkin’ caveman in tow, you ain’t gettin’ away with that shit, bro.

Deliver A Baby And Pull Out The Mom-To-Be’s Uterus.

That little bundle of joy just wouldn’t let go! He’s gonna be a Mountain Climber. Or a Serial Killer.

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