Pre-J.C., Earth was just God’s mosh pit. And the motherfukker was dropping bows.
The Fukkin’ Flood (Genesis 6:8)
Drowned an estimated 20 million people just for the shit of it. Told some jaggoff to fill a boat with animals and force them to fukk, spawning badass beasts like the liger, seahorse and flying squirrel.
Taking a Flame to Sodom and Gomorrah (Genesis 19:4-5)
According to Genesis, the party people of S & G caught God’s fury for wanting to “rape angels.” His solution? Make it rain sulfur.
Drowning an Army in the Red Sea (Exodus 14:28)
Poor guys were just following orders. God helped Moses part the Red Sea when shit hit the fan, and as the Egyptian army followed He brought it crashing down like a Bengladeshi sweatshop.
Messin’ with Abraham (Genesis 16:7–16)
In one of the all-time dick moves, God on out of nowhere ordered Abraham to slaughter his son Isaac. Then riiiiiiiiight before ol’ Abe did the deed, God popped back up and stopped him. Psych, muthafukker! Y’all been punk’d!
Burning Korah’s Followers (Numbers 16:35)
Korah asked too many questions. He also had the balls to think he was holier than Moses. So not only did God kill him and his family (by opening the earth to swallow them up, no less) he herded 250 of his most loyal followers and burned them alive.
Mauling Elisha’s Bullies with a She-bear (2 Kings 2:23-24)
The prophet Elisha was chillaxin’ in Bethel when some rowdy teenagers started teasing him for being bald. Turn the other cheek? Nah. He cursed all 42 of them in the name of God, then two female bears came out of the woods tore them apart.
Disemboweling Jehoram (2 Chronicles 21:14-1)
As far as reasons to piss off God go, Jehoram wasn’t anything special – basically your run-of-the-mill war crimes. But his punishment sure was: God gave him an “incurable disease” that literally made his bowels fall out. Shit happens, bro.
Plagues. Oh, So Many Plagues
This one can be its own separate list. By the end of the New Testament, God starting sending plagues down to earth just for the fukk of it. Things like sticking it in the wrong chick (Numbers 25:9), eating a quail (Numbers 11:31-35), and taking a census (2 Samuel 24:13).