Metal As Fukk Albinos

Just because you need to rawk the SPF 1000, doesn’t mean you can’t have a bad fukkin attitude…

Johnny Winter

A Blues Man so powerful, Hendrix resigned to playing Lance Bass to his J-Tims (notice Jimi actually playing bass in Johnny’s backing band).

Snowflake The Gorilla

This bright white descendant of those aggro primates from CONGO chooses to communicate with sign-language instead of skull-crushing. Snowflake exhibits a delicate balance of analytic genius and brute strength, similar to X-Men’s Beast, minus all the nagging pedanticism and raspberry blueness.

Judge Doom

Try watching Roger Rabbit with your younger cousin, then wake him up in the middle of the night with your best “Remember me, Eddie!” impersonation and lil’ dude will have a prescription for Xanax before he’s potty-trained. And a perpetual boner for that nursery school teacher with the huge rack.

Connie Chiu

Connie is an albino Asian model who left Hong Kong for Sweden to market her naturally white hair and pale skin to the European fashion world, stirring up more superficial racial debates than Michael Jackson’s scrotum.

Count Rugen’s Assistant

a. Live underground in a dungeon dubbed “The Pit Of Despair”? Check.
b. Have an unapologetically hunched back? Checkaroo.
c. Have an Associate’s Degree in Green Water-Pressure Powered Torture Machine Maintenance?  Chiggity-check yerself.
Congratulations! You have been accepted to MAFkkU! Pick up your swipey card and enjoy our all-you-can-eat omelette bar and unlimited free condoms at the Student Union.

Mocha Dick

Mocha Dick was a pissed off albino sperm whale credited for destroying over 20 whaling ships in the Pacific until he was killed in 1838, becoming the the real-life inspiration for Herman Melvlile’s 1851 Novel. “Moby Dick”.  Also, it’s what you get when you pull your harpoon outta places God didn’t intend it to go.


These dread-locked, randomly-materializing, kung-fu-trained, knife-wielding, high-fashion, uber-condescending twin brothers are like metal Kris Kross, But without the CROSS COLORS (or any colors, to be exact.)


Draco Malfoy (Pre-HALF-BLOOD PRINCE)

Draco Malfoy may have been portrayed as a puff in the Harry Potter movies, but in print he’s little  Johnny Rotten meets Travis Bickle meets Calvin Candie. Dude is mean as fukk in the books- he has unjustified rage towards muggles, concocts top-shelf potions, speaks fluent snake, is a Death Eater (easily the title of a Slayer song),  has has crazy hair and occlumency abilities (which pretty much makes him the original MindFreak.) Sorry Criss Angel.

-Compliments of Guest Contributor PROFESSOR GRITZ

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