Metal As Fukk Celebrity Ass-Whoopings by “Some Guy”

Don’t cut in front of me at the bar and don’t kick it to my girlfriend. You’re pretty little face might end up dented…

Shia LaBeouf in Vancouver, British Columbia
Those Stevens weren’t so even when LaBeouf got his sack handed to him by some chubby Canadian dude outside a bar. Too bad Indy Jr. didn’t inherit his dad’s killer uppercut.

Vanilla Ice in Salt Lake City
A “straight-edge gang member” jumped on stage mid-concert and straight-up sucker-punched Mr. Van Winkle in his angular baby face. Where are the Ninja Turtles when you need them?

Gavin Degraw in New York City
Gavin got his ass kicked outside his own bar in the Lower East Side, then later claimed he was hit by a cab. Allegedly he was buying some girl drinks all night and just kept going after her boyfriend showed up at 2am. I don’t wanna be anything other than … a punching bag in a newsboy cap.

Leona Lewis in London
Some guy waited line at a book signing for five hours just to look this little Pop Tart in the face, yell “I Love You” and full-force Hadouken punch her in the jaw. She kept bleeding, kept bleeding love … all over a stack of her new bestseller about wining a game show.

Jason London In Scottsdale
That dude from “Dazed and Confused” drunkenly sneezed on a huge-ass bouncer, then punched him in the face when homeboy asked for an apology. The bouncer then beat his drunk ass down and had him arrested for disorderly conduct. London ranted form the back of the cop car, “I fukking OWN you guys so hard! I’m RICH and I’m a motherfukking FAMOUS ACTOR! Fukking look me UP, bitch!” And then he leaned to the left a shat himself. For real.

Noel Gallager in Toronto
A minute and a half into “Morning Glory”, Noel gets decked into the crowd by some guy who appears out of the shadows and stage fog like a ninja. You may not want to “Look Back In Anger”, but for fukk’s sake, turn around and defend yourself when anger’s comin’ right at your bloody back, mate!

Avril Lavigne & Brody Jenner in Los Angeles
While on a date at what can only be assumed was the douchiest place in LA, Avril started shooting off her Hot-Topic sass and started an all-out bar fight. Her face got “fukked up” and Brody took a bottle to the head like a tan, untalented Popeye. But instead of responding with a can of spinach and a flurry of uppercuts, Jenner probably just said “do you know who my dad was or who my stepsisters fukk?”

Harry Styles in Glasgow
The Sensitive One in One Direction got hit square in the nuts by a shoe thrown at him from an audience member. He milked it for all it’s worth, as if the tip of his dick is so sensitive it cries baby tears. Then he went backstage and gave Selena Gomez another Dirty Sanchez.

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