Sometimes you’re just a tap dance away from murder, mayhem and sexual deviance…
An arrogant, unemployed carnie stabs himself while looking down the barrel of a steamboat owner’s revolver, after botching a robbery attempt and realizing he’ll never be able to provide for his unborn kid, only to get kicked out of heaven.
A drag queen with AIDS blow-torches the padlock keeping is drug-addicted friends out of their apartment on New Year’s Eve after they’ve all refused to pay rent for a year. Basically any given 1st of the month for Motley Crue.
Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson
The strong-but-wrong 7th President of The United States and his wife cut themselves as a testament of their love and guilt for killing a bunch of injuns. Freedom isn’t free, muthafukka.
A Vietnamese prostitute commits suicide in front of her G.I. lover, their son and his wife. What did people do before snap chat? This.
A drug-addled prostitute promises to give eyesight to a blind twelve-year-old if his father will just let her sit on his face, do some LSD and inject whatever she has left with her. That’s what you get for going out of network. Thanks ObamaCare.
A rebel without a cause and his new girlfriend get naked and tie each other off to shoot heroin for the first time via ballet, while homeboy’s gothy bisexual drug dealer serenades them with a Green Day power ballad. Most people’s first time with smack usually ends in a stained mattress, a talking cockroach and a lingering taste in your mouth like you just ate out a mummy.
Toxic Avenger, The Musical
Toxie rips 13 feet of small intestine out of a Dirty Jerz burglar, followed by his rib cage and spine.
An old man leaves his old lady and sells his soul to the devil to play for the New York Yankees. Also a supergroup with Ted Nugent and that guy from Night Ranger, two guys that sold their souls to the devil to sing homoerotic harmonies.
The innocent Jewish manager of a pencil factory is hung on a tree outside of Atlanta by The Ku Klux Klan, who accuse him of raping and murdering a 12 year old girl. Where the fukk was David Caruso in 1912?
Jesus Christ Superstar
A shirtless Son Of God gets 40 lashes on stage from a gimp while Pontius Pilate sings with a boner.
An angry barber slits the throats of anyone he deems a douche, pulls a lever, and sends them to an oven to be pounded into meat pies – all because some dude stole his wife, sent her to an insane asylum and is raping his daughter.
A bunch of merlot-drunk, hot-headed, flag-wielding bros build a barricade on top of the tomb of a lefty politician to piss off the tyrannical government, only to be blown away by the national guard. Like Occupy Wall Street, but with muskets instead of poop bags.
The Count makes Lucy’s clothes disappear with a Jedi wave and feasts upon her Pilates bod. Sorry, JV basketball, Drama Club won this battle. Now I’m getting paid a brick to bite hot naked chicks in front of an audience eight times a week.