Metal As Fukk Flight Attendants

Zenonade Evil Flight Attendant

They’re not just passing out pillows and giving cockpit handies to the co-pilot…

Vesna Vulović

Serbian stewardess that survived a 33,330 foot fall without a parachute after a Croation terrorist blew her plane to smithereens in 1972. Vesna was the only surviver, found in the wreckage pinned between a serving cart and a crew member’s corpse with a fractured skull and three broken vertebrae. She also has adamantium bones and float her cereal in lava.

Steven Slater

After a lady hit him in the head with her luggage, Steven unleashed a profanity-laced rant over the Jet Blue intercom, grabbed 2 bottles of Blue Moon, activated the emergency inflatable evacuation slide and dove down it. Every time Jet Blue unleashes an evacuation slide, it costs $32,000 to replace it. He was also born in the same town as Amanda Bynes and the band Halifax.

Martha Thomsen

Eastern Airlines flight attendant turned Playboy Playmate. Miss May, 1980. 37-24-35. Would you like a blanket? Only to hide my boner! I’ve got something I’d love to stow away underneath your seat. Who ever said beavers can’t fly? No, I’m not trying to light my shoe on fire – that’s my burning desire you smell. OK, that’s enough.

Kelly Shannon

Kelly was held by police in the Congo for 42 hours after getting caught trying to help Dikembe Mutombo make a ton of money flipping Congolese Gold in a deal with warlord Bosco Mtaganda. Mutombo’s chartered the plane with his associates and $7,000,000 in cash was taken by armed guards as the gold was being loaded on.

Lyudmila Putina

Flight Attendant who married Vladimir Putin to become the first lady of Russia until the couple split in 2007. Putina was an advocate for “Spelling Reform In The Russian Language” while her husband kicked the shit out of anyone who questioned his foreign policy or shady investments. Nowaday she’s probably either dead or living in a monestary after being replaced in the public eye by Putin’s mistress, gymnast/model Alina Kabayeva. Guess you shoulda opted for a little more pilates, a little less pierogis, Lyudmila.

Stephanie Partington

Partington was arrested in 2012 for flying while her blood-alcohol level was eight times the legal limit. She claims she was out partying til 7am and was called in to work at noon for a last minute flight and didn’t wanna piss anybody off. And then she pushed the drink cart into a baby.

Teresa Green

Once the crew closed the cockpit door on a flight from Dallas-Fort Worth to O’Hare, Green freaked out and started ranting in foreign tongues on the intercom about the plane going up in flames and 9/11 conspiracy theories. It took five grown men to restrain her. Bipolar and off her meds or possessed by the Dark Lord himself?

Suzanne Tate

After meeting him in coach, Suzanne married Metal God Vocalist Geoff Tate and inspired Queensryche’s anthem to love in the sky, “Jet City Woman.” When Suzanne and Geoff divorced in 1996, Band members subpeonaed mid-tour, causing Queensryche to have to re-schedule shows in Detroit and Topeka.

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