Metal as Fukk Sex Tapes That Haven’t Surfaced Yet

While grainy footage of Johnny Carson’s 10 inch dong was being auctioned off to the highest bidder, we unearthed some lesser known fuckkin’ gems.

20140328-172947.jpgAnne Frank & Peter Van Daan
Just hot teen from he wrong side of the tracks looks for some Dutch lovin’ in a dusty attic.

20140328-173125.jpgMichelangelo & April
She’s an up-and-coming journalist who likes Pilates, Party Dudes and Oral.

20140328-174019.jpgCaptain Farquhar Ab Hamid of Flight 370 & A Delta Gamma Sister studying abroad at the University of Kuala Lumpur
“Hell yes I’ll meet you back in the coach bathroom! When I press this button, the plane just flies itself! SPRING BREAK FOREVER!”

20140328-174310.jpgLady & The Tramp
“I want you to tie me to the bed with that spaghetti, put a meatball in my mouth and eat a breadstick out of my…”

LiLo & Screech
Lindsay Lohan and Dustin Diamond will do ANYTHING to get back into the spotlight. “Hey Mr. Belding, what does chlamidya taste like?”

20140328-175249.jpgThomas Edison & A Vaudeville Chorus Girl
“This the only reason I invented film.”

Richard Reid (The Shoe Bomber) & Dzhokhar Tsarenev (The Marathon Bomber)
In GitMo, it’s not considered prison rape if you cuddle after. Plus their chemistry was… explosive.

20140328-204659.jpgMeryl Davis & Charlie White
“Who’s gay now, Dad? And after I banged her to Wind Beneath My Wings, I wiped baby gravy off her abs with the American Flag. Jerk off to that, Hockey!”

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