If the $19.95 Pirate-In-A-Bag just won’t fukkin’ cut it this year…
Edward Snowden Scissorhands
This hedge-trimming, lock-picking, national-security-secret-leaking geek just wants to be loved.
A Dead Baby Seal
The easiest way to pull a Slutty Eskimo is to be exactly what she came to the party looking for.
Karl Marky Marx
The Father of Socialism meets the Leader of The Funky Bunch. Just wait ’til you hear his verse on cooperative ownership of the means of production to the beat of “Good Vibrations.”
This arena-rocking, dream-haunting bad boy wants it ALL. And he wants it NOW. And he can only be stopped by pulling him back into the real world…or AIDS.
Magic Michael Myers
Dead eyes and an 8-pack gets ALL the ladies back to your stabbin’ cabin.
He’s eloquent, charming, throws wild parties…and can crush an army of bad guys with a wave of his man-branch.
I have to steal just to eat every day. Just imagine what I’ll do for a warm bed and some breakfast in the morning…
Ruth Vader Ginsburg
I swear to God Scalia, if you uphold one more abortion ban I will choke out your fat Italian throat with my mind.
John Wayne (Gacy)
Whatever your do, do NOT agree to play Cowboys and Indians with this floppy-shoed motherfukker.
Somehow, the mustache makes Madoff look MORE trustworthy…
He’s got 99 problems…including a Kardashian divorce settlement, getting dropped by The Knicks, and a street urchin who won’t stop stealing his jewels.
Jean Ralphio Macchio
“Wax on, wax oooooOOOOOoooff!! Yo, let’s go ride some go-karts, Daniel-San!”
Alton Nolen Ryan
A southern boy who wants to convert his co-workers to Islam, beheads dissidents, and clocks in a vicious 110 mph fast ball over the inside corner.
Every Character David Bowie Has Ever Played On Film
Jareth The Goblin King. Andy Warhol. Nicola Tesla. The Man Who Sold The World’s a fukkin’ stud.
Ponce De Leon
Ponce rocked Florida like a hurricane trying to track down the Fountain Of Youth, puttin’ babies in anything that got in his way. Though Ponce was not a player, he did crush a lot.