You might’ve thought The Dark Web was just a place to buy slightly-used rocket-launchers & super-dank weed, but we found a few underground holiday Bitcoin bargains that’ll make you want to cancel your Amazon Prime Membership…
25% Off A Stack Of 100 Fresh Social Security Numbers With Credit Scores Over 760
Reinvent yourself this season with some new boobs, a new mortgage and a college degree for only 1.3728 BTC!
2 for 1 Canadian Passports
Just because you’ve committed a felony doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be able to see the world, eh? You and a friend could ring in humanity’s last year on earth from the snow-capped mountains of Whistler or the hot sands of Tehran for a mere 3.093 BTC.
10 Uber Account Passwords For The Price of 5
Half-off on rides from chilly NYC to sunny Miami or surge-priced trips to get FroYo on a snowy day- all on a stranger’s dime! Only 0.2315 BTC!
30% Off All Single Kidneys
Give Grandma the gift of filtration back this Christmas. Just don’t let her ask where it came from. (The answer is India.) 18.384 BTC. All sales final.
BABIES! BABIES! BABIES!
WE got ‘em, YOU want em! Taken as is— no ethnic guarantees, no questions asked by buyer or seller. Christmas or Chanukah wrapping available. 18 BTC per baby or 3 for an even 50 BTC.
Weird Drugs CLEARANCE
Etorphine, Bromo-DragonFly, Krokodil and Ayahuasca available at wholesale prices (direct from The Taliban) from 0.0872 to 3.456 BTC.
Buy One, Get One Assassinations
Take out your political rival AND that dude who might’ve banged your girlfriend for the price of just methodically executing ONE! 5 BTC, non-negotiable.
10% Off Weapons-Grade Uranium
A seasonal discount on the periodic table’s only highly-enriched element that demands your enemies shut the fukk up and listen to whatever you have to say. If God was Santa, this would be his Stocking Coal. 666 BTC or 4,885,101,009 North Korean Won.